


A Nightmare Induced Panic (or, How to Forget Your Friends)

by Marauder_Emaelyn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gore, Grief, Horror, Nightmares, POV Remus Lupin, Panic Attacks, Post-First War with Voldemort, Remus is alone, So be warned, So much angst, and very not well, no happy ending, the whole thing is just angst, this whole fic is an angsty mess through and through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27794086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauder_Emaelyn/pseuds/Marauder_Emaelyn
Summary: Nightmares can leave a painful presence when you wake.And sometimes a loss of rationale.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	A Nightmare Induced Panic (or, How to Forget Your Friends)

**Author's Note:**

> My writing has definitely been sporadic at best recently, but I've finally got another short fic ready for you guys!
> 
> Really this whole fic is an excuse to write maximum angst because that's who I am as a person.
> 
> TW: gore, some light horror again I guess is what I'd call it. A very bad nightmare. Panic attacks. Slight mention of throwing up. The entirety of the fic is just pretty dark the whole way through honestly.

_The boy ran across the bright and cheery common room, skidding to a stop beside his redheaded friend in front of the blazing fireplace. The two were talking, but the voices were muffled and distant; they echoed strangely, in a way words didn’t. They may not have been voices at all. The bright flames behind them set the girl’s hair ablaze, and the boy stared at her with an indeterminable look on his face._

_He may not have had one at all._

_They began walking down the hallway hand in hand, swinging their arms gently between themselves. The bright sunlight filtered down through the windows, sending long shadows of the pair behind them. The boy’s unruly hair looked like antlers in the silhouette. They may have been laughing, but the sound reverberated around the halls, growing and distorting everywhere, until the sound was unrecognisable._

_The sunlight from the windows blotted out, plunging the corridor into darkness. The two didn’t seem to notice though; they continued walking down the hall, the only light coming from her hair. The sound that could’ve been twisted laughter continued to bounce around. The warm spring air left the hall as though in a vacuum, the space filling with a horrible chill. Frost crept along the windows, down the walls, coating everything. Their shoes brought puffs of ice crystals up with every carefree step. Their breath came out in puffs, lingering in the air ahead of them before slowly dissipating. Still they didn’t seem to notice._

_The boy stopped, tugging the girl to his side and wrapping her in his arms. He gently kissed her fiery hair, seeming not to notice the flames. She buried her face in his shoulder. They stood there as if nothing else mattered. As if they were the only two in the entire universe._

_The wolf pounced out of nowhere._

_He shoved her behind him, and seemed to try to shout at her; but the words were fractured and distorted. They may not have been spoken at all. She ran away as the wolf’s claws dug into his shoulders, dragging him to the floor. One set of claws raked down his side, the other staying firmly planted through his other shoulder. The hall was filled with reverberating shouts of agony, but they didn’t seem to come from anyone. They sounded nothing like a voice._

_The wolf sunk its teeth into his shoulder. It bit into his arm all the way from the end of his tee shirt sleeve to around his neck. The shouts cut off with a strangled gurgling sound as blood poured from his mouth, his neck, his arm. The entire hall was coated with it. He was coated with it. The wolf had his blood drenching the fur around its muzzle, all the way down its front. The wolf dropped him abruptly, continuing down the hall._

_She continued running just ahead of it, moving as fast as she could. It prowled behind her, in no hurry to catch up to its prey._

_She stopped at the end of the hallway, trapped at the dead end with no escape in sight. Against the wall at the dead end was an ash white crib. She turned with her back to the crib, facing the wolf. Her expression was unreadable._

_She had none._

_Her fiery hair licked at her shoulders as she stood across from the wolf. It continued to prowl forward. Barely feet in front of her it lunged, and she didn’t make a sound as it sunk its teeth in, almost half of her body disappearing behind its razor sharp teeth. There wasn’t a sound beyond her bones crunching under the pressure of its jaws, the sound of her blood dripping steadily to the ground._

_The wolf threw her carelessly to the side. Her body thumped against the wall before sliding sickeningly to the floor._

_The hall was silent but for the soft padding of the wolf’s paws, looming closer to the ashen crib._

_A cry erupting up from inside, echoing everywhere, distorting into something sinister._

_The wolf inched closer._

_It bared its teeth, growling lowly over the bundle in the crib. Saliva and blood alike dripped from its lips. It lunged down-_

Remus tore himself from his bed, pacing erratically around his bare room before he could even register he was awake, desperately wiping at his face, his mouth, clawing at his chest, trying to get rid of the blood…

The taste that seemed to never leave his mouth after sleeping these days. 

He took a breath, trying to calm himself. Took another, still pacing.

He carefully ran his tongue over his teeth, along the roof of his mouth, around his cheeks, trying to determine where he bit himself.

He took another breath, his stomach rolling. And another, willing himself not to throw up.

He finally sat at the foot of his bed, the mattress creaking beneath him. He gently ran his hands over his face, trying to wipe away the tears, though they were quickly replaced with fresh ones.

“Fuck,” he breathed softly. The nightmares were not by any means new. But that did not make them any more pleasant.

Or any less jarring.

And yet the nightmares were not what scared him the most. 

The worst had already come to pass. There was no bringing the girl and the boy back. They were already gone. He could dream of it happening over and over again, but it wouldn’t change their fate.

No, what left Remus shaking as he sat there, attempting to remember to breathe, were the missing details. There was nothing he feared so much as losing his memories of them.

Remus closed his eyes, trying to draw up a picture of Lily in his mind. Her kind features, fierce and determined. Her brilliant green eyes framed by the burning red hair.

What he managed was blurry at best, and a sob of frustration tore its way out of his throat as he dropped his head into his hands.

He tried again, with James. Tried to remember his carefree smile. His warm hazel eyes, the devilish glint in them. His bright grin at a successful prank, or even just his look of concern when Remus was running himself into the ground.

The blank he drew ripped another sob from his lips.

Somewhere, his rational mind screamed at him as his breathing grew rapid. He had pictures stashed in a box in the closet. They weren’t gone for good. He could look at them and he could remember them. He was dizzy with panic and couldn’t think straight.

But wherever his rational mind was screaming at him from, it was too far away to do any good. 

He couldn’t remember them. Couldn’t picture them at all. Two of his best friends, more dear to him than anything, disappearing. They were fading, gone in a way they never should’ve been.

He was failing them. He was failing everything. He couldn’t even think of them. Couldn’t carry on their legacy and preserve their lives to share with others. Another broken sob escaped his lips at the thought of them seeing him now. Seeing how much he’d messed everything up. 

Even just seeing where he’d gotten himself on his own.

He couldn’t remember a single one of the important things. What they looked like. Their favourite things. Favourite classes. Passions. Dreams. Surely he should remember at least their go-to outfits? The foods they would always reach for given the option? He was supposed to remember that. Remember their smiles. Their faces.

“I can barely remember what you sounded like,” Remus gasped out suddenly. It seemed the only breaths he could get were the sobs that wracked his entire body. He tried to force himself to take a deep breath but he couldn’t manage it. His chest was too tight. It shouldn’t be this tight. “I can’t even remember was my fucking best friends’ sounded like.”

And really, that was the worst of it, wasn’t it? The voices of his friends. The voices of his _family_. The voices of the people who’d cared about him and proven that they cared over and over again. The ones who had grounded him on countless occasions. The ones who’d laughed with him. Joked with him. Teased him, comforted him, talked him down from his panicked spirals so many times. Yet he could hardly imagine their voices. 

Could barely think of what the most important voices ever sounded like. Couldn’t think of a word of what they used to say. 

“Please,” Remus whispered to the still night around him, staying unfairly calm and still around his break down. “Please don’t let me forget his bloody voice.” 

He couldn’t help but mouth the words around the sobs that continued to wrack his entire body, trying desperately to get himself to breathe despite his much too tight chest. He rocked back and forth, as erratic as his breaths.

At some point he managed to drop back into a restless sleep, curled at the foot of his bed, still rocking on his side slightly, the words mumbled under his breath.

“Please. Please don’t let me-don’t-- don’t let me-- please--”

“D-don’t let me forget h-his bloody v-voice.”


End file.
